Warning: this post is meant to be read as a satire and may be dreadfully boring to some. Let not your eyes wander down if you do not share a wacky sense of humor or like reading posts containing too many paragraphs and few pictures. All you Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland fans have been warned…

While the stir of the recent sex scandal in the Hong Kong entertainment industry involving Edison Chen and his string of ex-girlfriends has begun to die down (fortunately for our eyes and ears), the associated issue of celebrity privacy has not been put to rest. Niki Chow’s unfortunate connection with the case due to past rumors with Chen has prompted TVB to distribute a new communications manual to each of its contracted artists. This thin yet helpful book explains the applications of the doublespeak language in distorting the truth when facing reporters and the general public. Let us read through some of the pages, shall we?

Handling the Faithful Hounds
As much as you may want to spray each and every reporter on the planet with a non-EPA approved pesticide, resist the urge to do so. A more effective method to terminate these pesky followers is to overwhelm them with an enormous amount of information; throw in as many unfamiliar and technical terms/phrases that you know. What you say does not need to make any sense, nor should it. Remember: gobbledygook is your most reliable tool to escape tight situations in this competitive industry, and may you gobble it well.

To get you started, here is an example of what to say when asked about your performance in a series:

I think my performance in terms of the off-screen memorization of lines and in terms of the on-screen acting performance was operated under my accepted limit, and I have been fairly error-free in keeping with that. Thus, I will tell you that my overall performance has not immensely accelerated to a desired magnitude. On the other hand, the performance should be categorized more as a function of my past experience in the training academy as opposed to it improving as a function of the non-spatial continuum.

When further questions are asked, simply remember these steps: lather, rinse, and repeat. Lather, rinse, and repeat. That is right, no common sense needed here.

Suspicions
Undoubtedly, the love life of an artist is the favorite topic of any proper reporters; they attempt to pry the truth out of tight-sealed lips with the display of pretentious smiles and playful teasing. Running and hiding do not help in avoiding this kind of questioning. As an alternative, show your “cooperation” by giving a meticulously calculated answer using inflated language:

I was erroneously identified inside ______________’s apartment during the time frame in question. The level of the hydrocarbon mixture in the storage tank of my horizontal transportation unit had depleted. I could not find any automotive internists in the vicinity of the scene. Naturally, I relocated to ______________’s place to ask for assistance.

Luckily, the relationships of the following artists are of no interest to reporters:
Tavia Yeung
Bobby Auyeung
Steven Ma
Frankie Lam
Selena Li
Raymond Cho
Sammul Chan (not under TVB management, but is a well-known example)

That is all.

The End of the Road
When all else fails in your attempts to manipulate, confuse, and mislead the audience, prayer is not your answer. Two choices are available: shed blame on your manager/agent or transfer responsibility to your superiors (TVB executives) who will deal with the matter later. We strongly advise you to try the first strategy, but if you choose to risk termination of your contract by applying the latter method, then regurgitate the following paragraph:

I did not lie. I merely withheld information. When I previously stated that I _____________________, I was trying to be evasive. I was authorized to say everything that I said by my superiors - yes, the same people who signed my contract. However, I now realize that I was naive and foolish.

Of course, whether or not this short speech will actually save your career is unknown. In the unfortunate event that it does not, we then give you permission to pray - with this book. (A small packet of delicate tissue is attached to the back flap. )

Lastly, remember to keep safe this communications manual as it holds vital information for mastering the various forms of doublespeak. Never lend it to non-contracted TVB artists or those not part of the entertainment industry. Tuck it under your pillow or lock it up in a vault if you must.

Deception, concealment, and calculation: learn to play the game properly.