Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship HKS Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new themes, to seek out new audiences and assimilate all life, to boldly go where no producer has gone before.

Activate Star Trek opening theme! [Da... da-da-da... da-da-da...!]

Producer’s log, stardate 18001.0. Correction: 48001.1. Or is it 48100.0? Computer, restart entry log. Stardate: today.

In our never-ending quest to dominate Asian television, and eventually all Humanoid entertainment, a course was charted to the sparingly explored Controversy sector; two inhabited M-class planets were located. An away team beamed down to the surface of each and made several startling discoveries.

On our arrival to the planet Homolus, we noticed the peculiar behavioral patterns exhibited by the inhabitants. Most members of the population are attracted to the same sex, but they behave no differently from their heterosexual comrades. As my first assistant director noted, they were “normal”… Very few males were overly effeminate, flamboyant or displayed an interest in fashion. In fact, some even resented the idea of organizing their own wardrobe. Even the females were not necessarily tomboys or athletic. Simply astonishing!

Next on our stop was the planet Retrovirulus, where the inhabitants remain infected with a variety of retroviruses, most notably the well-documented human immunodeficieny virus. While all precautions were taken to prevent exposure to this deadly agent, some members of the away team questioned the effectiveness of their gloves and filter masks, and requested the use of space suits instead. I assured them that transmission was only possible through touch and air, and only then did they calm down. As was the case on Homolus, we were stunned by the acts of the inhabitants. Sexual education is regularly preached and words like “condoms” and “protection” are thrown around as easily as mediocre scripts. Worse, they bore no stigma of shame. What happened to 100% abstinence that is as effective as casting pageant winners in leading roles?

As we travel back to the Hong Kong base of the United Federation of Producers, thoughts grow heavy on my mind. How would we integrate such unique personalities into our productions without the risk of overwhelming our viewers? While I may not know the answer now, reality shows are always reliable outlets we can turn to first…

End log. That’s a wrap!

Explanation
This satire pokes fun at the stereotypical roles in TVB series, particularly flamboyant gays and promiscuous HIV-positive characters. It is based on the ever-popular sci-fi television series Star Trek: The Next Generation, which is one of my favorite shows of all time. In the beginning of each episode, Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the United States Ship (USS) Enterprise opens with the following voiceover:

“Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before.”

Picard and his vessel have been replaced by a TVB producer and the Hong Kong Ship (HKS) Enterprise, respectively. Commander William T. Riker has been replaced by an assistant director and disposable ensons are now TV or movie “extras” of the away teams. Sadly, the United Federation of Planets has been overrun by producers who do not know the difference between photon torpedoes and the turbolift.

Warning: This is a satirical post that pokes fun at the alternative ending of D.I.E. and suggests an ulterior motive for its production. Spoilers regarding the fate of Roger Kwok’s character in both the original and alternative endings are revealed.

In the official ending of the highly-rated series D.I.E., Yue Sir (Roger Kwok) sacrificed his own life to save Ching Ching (Sonija Kwok), leaving her to care for their daughter. Due to the pensive nature of this closure, Hong Kong viewers were outraged and demanded that TVB produce an alternative ending, particularly one in which Yue Sir survives the car crash. They argued that since TVB series have always ended on some kind of a happy note – lost lovers reunite, villains are cleansed by the power of an imaginary force, infertile women are suddenly blessed with the ability to bear children, and fathers and sons reconcile – this one should have followed the trend. Obligingly, TVB released a special 30-minute gag ending that revealed Bobby Auyeung’s character from Dicey Business to be the driver who hit Yue Sir on his way to making bootleg copies. Various D.I.E. characters traveled back in time to prevent the accident.

However, this alternative ending was actually a derivative of the one TVB had intended to air as the original. The purpose was to take advantage of a high-profile finale in order to promote the company’s anti-piracy agenda. In the original version, Bobby’s character was made an example of the uploaders/downloaders who continue to participate in illegal activities.

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